Welcome to my blog. I have not written in over a year, but this will be my last blog entry in Journeys With Seth. Thank you to everyone that has supported this blog. Thank you to everyone that has supported me. Most of all , thank you to all of the widows and widowers out there that have helped me through this journey for just shy of three and a half years. No one in this universe will ever understand the journey of a young widow(er) unless they have been one.
The hardest moment I have ever had to face in my life is losing my husband of 2.5 years Seth. Albeit significantly less frequently, I am still haunted by that moment when a doctor looked me in the eye and confirmed without words that my 31 year old husband had passed. I screamed and jumped on Seth's body, as if to will it not to be true. If I held onto him long enough it would be reversed and the nightmare would end. But that did not happen. Eventually our families had to pull me off of him and tell me it was time to leave the hospital so that they could work on his body to transport him back home to Pennsylvania. Seth had passed and I was left devastated and wondering if I would feel this intense agony for the rest of my life. Seth went home and I was left in hell.
Almost three and a half years later I find myself incredibly grateful for the life that I have. I have fallen in love with a wonderful man and his two beautiful children. However; I am also the most incredibly anxious I have ever been in my life. Right after Seth died I went into "keep myself busy mode." I traveled, saw friends, made plans, and escaped my house. I convinced myself I was doing well and this lasted for a year. The second year was when I decided I was ready to start dating. I found myself on one of those new fangled dating apps. When Seth and I met smart phones didn't exist so this was an entirely new world for me. I went on two dates with two men that were absolutely not going to be my happily ever after. Despite the lack luster dates, they were critical steps for me to realize I wanted more for myself than to be widowed for the rest of my life.
A few months later I decided to ask a man I had known for a few years out for a date. I didn't know him well, only casually through work, but there was something about him that intrigued me and I wanted to learn more about. To both our surprise we fell in love with each other. This marks when my anxiety became increasingly more inescapable.
I think I could have started seeing someone right after Seth passed, or ten years later, and the anxiety fits and panic attacks would have occurred none the less. To accept loving another man is to accept that I could no longer live in the past. For me this was so conflicting. I was scared to be honest with myself that I wanted to put the past behind me and to move toward my future. I was afraid of letting others down, my loved ones and my friends. I became progressively more anxious and I let myself down and I let others down as well. I could not be for others what I thought they needed of me while also being for me what I needed for me. All the while, there was this wonderful man supporting me though this process more than he would ever be given credit for. I thank God for him daily. Short of my therapist and God, he is the only person who would take witness to this difficult journey I was facing in my head. I can only imagine how he feels being the man that followed my beloved late husband.
The thing about falling in love after losing your spouse is that it is a very complicated situation. It is my observation that the person who dates the widow or widower is a very special person and often the unsung hero. For me, I became incredibly anxious grappling with the conflicting demands of my past and my future. From the outside looking in you may have thought I was sad. You may have missed how happy I am because I was also so tired. The ongoing conflict in my head, of the past life I loved and the future that I yearned for, collided and it exhausted me. I have had panic attacks. I have canceled on family and friends. This is not fair to do to my family or friends. I have frequently taken my anxiety out on my love. This is not fair to do to him. But loving after loss is very complicated and it does take a hero to see you though the emotional rollercoasters.
It has been two years since I have fallen in love with my boyfriend. I have declared to him how much I love him and how I am no longer conflicted by two very different worlds, my past and future. But I have not yet announced this to the world. The truth is, it does not matter what anyone else thinks. The truth is the only opinion that matters is my own. But for me, other people have always mattered. For me, each time I save and publish a blog I have experienced a pivotal transformation that allows me to feel free. Free from the fear of other's opinions. Free of the fear of what I would face. Publishing my blog makes me excited for the future plans I have in front of me. Publishing my blog frees me to pursue what is most important to me.
So it is here that I am publishing this blog to say that I am ready for my future. My past will always be a part of me, and one that I will always cherish and love. I would not be who I am today without my past, without Seth, and without the experience that he and I shared together until death did us part. I will always love him for this reason. However, today I declare to the world that I am ready to battle myself for a future. I am ready to battle my fears to get over my anxiety and to share this life with my partner. I am ready to declare that I will not let an unrelenting fear of loss win. And I am ready to declare that this is hard to do. For those who love a widow or widower, please be patient with them, for they are fighting an internal battle that sometimes makes them feel so alone. For widows and widowers, free yourself of fear. Free yourself from insecurities. Free yourself from worry over others before yourself. Free yourself to be true to yourself. Free yourself to love and to be loved. It is what your former partner would want for you as you would want for them. Free yourself to find what it is that makes you happy. And go to therapy. Go to a lot of therapy. I may need it now more than ever.
For the widow or widowers partner. Thank you for being patient. Thank you for taking on a role that many would be afraid to traverse. Thank you for grappling with the fact that your partner lost a love who will always be special to them and thank you for having the confidence to know that we are so incredibly grateful for you also. Thank you for venturing into unknown territory with us and for your faith to pursue this complicated story.
The fear of the future is shared by everyone, I think? I don't think I am not alone in this matter, am I? The unknown, the fear of rejection, and the fear of loss are all incredibly powerful emotions. But they do not have to take over anyone, regardless of what the past tells us is true. I am reading this book called Fierce Faith written by Alli Worthington and I believe her words ring true. She writes, "I am telling you that you can do it. You can fight, and you will get through this. Don't stay stuck in the messy middle; keep walking into your future. When we spend our lives looking backward, we rob ourselves of the future God has planned for us. When we are walking out of the wilderness and facing a fight, it feels terrible and the safety of the past comes calling. God wants to strengthen us to face the future. He is building each of us to be the person he created us to be. And sometimes, to reach our promised future, we have to fight to get there. It is in the fight we learn to become brave. It's in the fight we learn we really can trust God. It's in the fight we discover who we were created to be. And as we fight, we must remember that God has equipped us for battle." She concludes with, "Because you have not been given the spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7).
Thank you for your support. It is here I end this blog with love to Seth, widows and widowers, my family, my friends. I end this blog with love for my partner. Thank you Seth for blessing me with this freedom before you passed. You will always be loved and never forgotten. Thank you to all and now I will end this blog to go forward into my future confidently.
With Love,
Meredith
#CelebratingSeth
#MeredithStrong
#ICanDoThis
#SethStrong
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