To be honest, I am not sure where to begin. I have started this entry and re-started this entry a million times. Since I last wrote, things have been very difficult for me. And yet, at the same time, there have also been many good moments. I regularly experience multiple emotions all at once and it is exhausting. It has been a long 65 days.
I have returned to work. I am happy to be back. When I last wrote, I was struggling with tremendous guilt for experiencing happiness. I am proud to tell you that I am still very happy to be back at work. I am thrilled to tell you that I am no longer feeling guilty about it. The fact of the matter is, work is a guaranteed reprieve from the sadness that haunts me the rest of the day. Since you have died, work is the only part of my life that has not changed. Everything else is different now.
I applied for a new position at work - the senior (supervisor) position. I struggled with the decision to apply, as I felt the timing was not right given the circumstances. However; I really wanted the position. The second Tuesday that I was back at work I had my interview. I thought it was okay, was slightly unsure, but I did my best. Immediately following the interview I pulled out my phone to call you and tell you how it went. As quickly as I pulled out my phone to call you, I remembered that you were no longer there to call. This happens to me a lot and it is heartbreaking.
When I found out that I was the one to get the job I wanted to tell you right away. Instead, I messaged our families. I had to share the news with everyone that is important to you and I. In some weird way it made me think I was telling you too. If I could have told you, I would have thanked you. I would have thanked you for the confidence that you instilled in me which pushed me to pursue this, despite my current circumstances. I would have thanked you for the strength you taught me about while I watched you fight for your life without trepidation. I would have thanked you for your support. I am desperately holding on to the idea that you are still supporting me from heaven. Without your support, I will have nothing.
I moved back into our house. I have been there for three weeks. I wish there was a manual to explain the feelings associated with losing your husband. I wish there was a guide to help you cope with returning to a home that no longer feels like a home because the family that once lived there no longer exists. There should be something to prepare you for such profound loss. There should be something to prepare you for returning home and returning to your routine, only to have the most integral part of your life no longer be a part of your life. But that manual does not exist. Instead you are left feeling completely alone, hopeless, and tired. I read this blog, written by another widow named Katie Wallace, and she described the loss so well. What she wrote is heartbreaking and sadly so accurate. She said...
"You wake alone in the bed you shared with your love. You cannot reach over to hold them, kiss them good morning or watch them while they are sleeping. They are no longer there and never will be again. Death is permanent. No more good morning smiles, touches or gestures of any kind. You wake up alone when you previously woke everyday with the love of your life."It seems that I should have been prepared for this. You and I feared that this may happen. We discussed what I would do if you passed away. We talked about my future and what it would look like if you were not in it. And yet, when you passed, it was a complete shock to my core. Why didn't I expect this? I knew you were very sick. How couldn't I have expected this? I suppose I just always thought that we would have more time together. Why couldn't we have more time together? "I didn't know that day would be our last. I didn't know I would have to say goodbye so fast." Those are lines from a song I have listened to over and over again for the last 65 days. Jenn Bostic describes being "Jealous of the Angels." I AM jealous of the angels around the throne tonight.
Jealous Of The Angels - Jenn Bostic
These 65 days have been very hard. Returning home without you is one of the saddest things I have ever had to do. I have reached out to different support groups, but I have yet to find one of interest. Most of them are for middle aged adults. Although I imagine their loss is also intense, I find myself jealous of them for having so much more time with their loved ones. I find myself sad that for 61% of the time that you and I were married you were sick. We were denied a long marriage and you were denied your health for the majority of it. It seems so unfair. I am working with my counselor to deal with this.
Someone asked me recently if I was angry. They suggested I would have every reason to be mad. Although I am sad and I am confused, I am not mad. One of the greatest things that you gave me was my faith. When we discussed hospice care you admitted to me that you questioned God sometimes. You did not understand why this was happening to you. I confidently answered that there had to be a reason. There had to be some greater purpose. I still believe that. It is all I have to hold on to. I think you knew that too.
Although it has been a long, exhausting, and sad 65 days. There have been so many good moments too. I have been given 65 days to tell stories about the man that I loved so much. I have been given opportunities to meet new people that I would have never otherwise met. I have been blessed to have constant reminders that our family, friends, and colleagues are the most incredible people. I have been reminded 65 times a day for 65 days that you were loved by so many people. I have had 65 days to think about how I can honor you and continue to navigate this journey of life with you by my side. I know you are with me and with all of the people whose lives you have touched.
The last 65 days I have been busy experiencing my new life. I am incredibly happy to say that the last 65 days have been busy for you too! People have been so impacted by your life that they bring you with them on their journeys also.
#SethStrong in Las Vegas
(Photo courtesy of Scott Meyer)
Multiple people have asked me if they can participate in "Journeys With Seth." I hope that they do. I hope that they carry with them a piece of you every where that they go. This is how you will be honored. This is how your legacy will live on forever! This is why I am not mad. The sadness will never go away. But, neither will my pride for you and the happiness that you gave me. Those emotions did not die with you, they will live on forever because of you. I cannot be mad because I was given the gift of time with you and that will never be forgotten. You will never be forgotten.
The greatest things that have happened over these 65 days is that two people in the state of California now have eye sight because of your tissue donation and a scholarship was established in your honor at Winters Mill High School. As of this week, the Seth Jacob Budai Memorial Scholarship became official. The purpose of this scholarship is to honor your life by providing two scholarships for WMHS graduating seniors who have shown academic achievement and will be pursuing degrees in the health sciences or education at an accredited college or university. You will always be a falcon. You will never stop influencing students.You will never stop making me proud of you. You will never stop making me proud to be your wife.
I love you so much. I miss you. I hate being home without you. I am sad. But I am also happy to be at work. I am grateful for our families and friends. I am excited that our friends are taking you on their journeys. And, I am confident that your legacy will never die. It has been a long 65 days. It will continue to be a long and difficult journey. But I will do my best to continue taking you with me and honoring you in all I do. I will always love you.
"Don't give up. Don't ever give up." ~ Jimmy V.
Seth Jacob Budai Caring Bridge Page
Seth Jacob Budai Memorial Scholarship (Criteria and Application)
Picture of "Mr. Budai"
(Picture courtesy of Seth Jacob Budai Memorial Scholarship flyer)