Monday, March 7, 2016

Why Blog?

Hi. Welcome to my blog. My name is Meredith Jane Budai and my husband is Seth Jacob Budai. Seth passed away this past February 4, 2016 from Ewings Sarcoma, a rare type of cancer. We were married for one year and two days when he was diagnosed with cancer. We were married for two years, seven months, and five days when he died. I was 31 when I lost the love of my life. I was 31 when I became a widow. 

When Seth was diagnosed with cancer we started a Caring Bridge website (Seth Jacob Budai Caring Bridge Page) to update our family and friends on his status and scan results.  When we started that we had no idea the profound effect it would have on us and on those who read it. At the funeral home following Seth's passing, people thanked me (and Seth) over and over again for our caring bridge posts. They called it "inspiring," and appreciated our updates. While it was so kind of everyone to say, the truth is, we needed to write. It helped us to clear our minds by typing out our fears, our thoughts, and the details of Seth's Journey. All of the support that we received in the form of comments and "likes" on social media were so appreciated. It helped to validate the feelings that Seth and I had. It was also comforting to read all of the responses and the prayers that were being said for us. It helped us as much as it apparently helped those who read it. 

Oddly enough, I enjoyed being at the funeral home, attending the funeral, and participating in a memorial services that we had for Seth. I have felt a tremendous amount of guilt for admitting that I "liked" these experiences. But the truth is, I did. I liked being surrounded by our family and friends. I liked talking about Seth and sharing stories of our life together. I liked learning of new stories about Seth that I did not know. And I liked learning of the impact that our caring bridge page and writing had on our family and friends and even strangers. In the days that have followed it has become increasingly more difficult for me to cope with the loss of my best friend. Everyone went home and my family and I were left alone for the very first time. I have struggled to be alone since February 4, 2016. I miss being surrounded by people and talking about Seth. I have since realized, I cannot stop writing. 

When I wrote the caring bridge pages, I had no idea if anyone would read them. But it did not matter. I needed a forum where I could share my thoughts and my fears and the "what ifs." Now Seth has died. Now I am a widow. Now I have lost my best friend. I still have fears, some of them the same, and many of them very different. One of my greatest fears is that my family and friends will not want to keep talking about Seth. I fear that people will move on, but I will still be a widow who lost her best friend. I fear that Seth will be forgotten. Above all, I fear how I will go on without having my best friend to talk to, to run ideas by, to laugh with, and to share life with. These fears and my love for Seth have inspired me to start writing this blog. I am hopeful that this blog will help me (and many others) just as the caring bridge page did. I am excited to talk with Seth. I am looking forward to sharing all that I am doing to cope with my loss and to honor my husband. I am hopeful to reach other young widows. And mostly, I am looking forward to using this forum to update Seth on the projects and endeavors I will take on to honor him and to keep his legacy alive.

Since deciding to keep writing, I have been thinking long and hard about where I wanted to take the blog. I recently drove from Maryland to New England and I had a lot of time to think about this. How could I honor Seth, talk to Seth, share our past with others, share my future with him, update he and our family and friends on his legacy, discuss my fears and concerns with him, and connect with other widows all in one forum? Ultimately it was Seth who told me what to do. I decided I will write letters to Seth. I will update him on what I am doing in his honor. I will travel to places we went to together and new places to honor him and I will tell him all about it. I will bring him with me everywhere I go and I will write to him about these journeys. I will share old pictures and new pictures and he will be a part of all of the new adventures. I will continue to take Journeys with Seth for all of the days of my life.

My name is Meredith Jane Budai and my husband is Seth Jacob Budai. Seth passed away this past February 4, 2016 from Ewings Sarcoma, a rare type of cancer. We were married for one year and two days when he was diagnosed with cancer. We were married for two years, seven months, and five days when he died. I was 31 when I lost the love of my life. I was 31 when I became a widow. This is my blog. I hope that it influences those who read it as much as I know it will help me to write it. I am looking forward to sharing my journeys with Seth.

Love,
Meredith

"Don't give up. Don't ever give up." ~ Jimmy V.












14 comments:

  1. This is so beautful Meredith, I'm so glad that you will continue to write. I hope that your blog will bring you some comfort and continues to bring hope to others.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Molly. Thank you so much and thank you for going to his memorial service and reaching out to me afterward. It meant so much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We aren't too far away if you ever need anything, even just a distraction. We have a pooch, Pepper, who would love to play with Jackson anytime.

      Delete
  3. Hi Meredith, that was beautiful as all of your writing throughout Seths journey with you and your families have been. I enjoy reading your journals as i will enjoy reading your blog. I met u at the funeral home and words cannot express the pain I had and still have in my heart for you and your family. Keep on writing. I think about you and wonder how you are doing. I am still praying for you. Be strong today and always for Seth, and for you. Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am so glad you have decided to keep writing. I have read all of your journals and will look forward to you blog. Prayers for you. You are not alone. Mary Butler

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am so glad you have decided to keep writing. I have read all of your journals and will look forward to you blog. Prayers for you. You are not alone. Mary Butler

    ReplyDelete
  6. Meredith, I am so glad you decided to continue to write! I have been thinking of you often. I hope this helps you cope with the loss of Seth, and I am sure he is watching over you. <3

    ReplyDelete
  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Gregory HalloranMarch 8, 2016 at 8:46 AM

    What a well-written and powerful intro to your blog. I hope your writing continues to bring you as much catharsis as it brings your readers.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Keep writing Meredith. You're as strong as #SethStrong and that's a lot of strength. - Faye

    ReplyDelete
  10. I have been reading and following you since before your wedding thru Ginnie. When she posted about Seth's illness and your compelling entries about your hopes and worries I know many prayers and good wishes came your way and still do. I'm so glad you have found an outlet to voice all that you want to share about and with Seth. Please be good to yourself, find comfort in your faith and reach out to others.

    ReplyDelete
  11. #nailedit
    Seth would be proud to have a woman of such eloquence carry on his legacy.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Meredith, I have been thinking of you so much since Seth's illness and passing. I've told many people since then of the sadness but also of the incredible young man he was. Like my own kids in their early 30s I mourn his loss like a family member, as I feel towards all my counselors. He will live on in the hearts of many, you can be sure of that!
    Judy Klinger

    ReplyDelete
  13. Meredith, I have been thinking of you so much since Seth's illness and passing. I've told many people since then of the sadness but also of the incredible young man he was. Like my own kids in their early 30s I mourn his loss like a family member, as I feel towards all my counselors. He will live on in the hearts of many, you can be sure of that!
    Judy Klinger

    ReplyDelete